Goodbye 20's Hello 30's

Well today is my 30th Birthday. No more20's.. I usally love birthdays. I don't care I am getting older. I love the presents and how the day is all about you. But this year is a little differant. Nope not because I am 30 now. Today is 1 week since my dreams of being a mom were crushed.

Nice birthday present huh?

I hope we can try again in a couple months. But I will always worry until I actually see something on that screen. I no longer trust pregnancy tests. I had 4 that were all positive. I had a crap load of prenatal blood work that all came back normal. Yet when we went for that sonogram last week, nothing was there.

I am trying to not dwell. Esp. Today. It's supposed to be my day after all But it's hard to celebrate when all you feel like you want to do is cry. Sure this week has had some good times. Not all of them have been bad. But I still feel that little twinge.

It shouldn't be hard 29 was not really that good to me anyway and I should be glad it's gone. From my job to this recent turn in events I should be really happy I am no longer 29.

But as I turn 30 today I thought my life would be a little different. I thought I would be married with at least one child. It's not like you can have children forever and I am worried we are going to wait too long and it will never happen for me.

I know Damien wants kids. I want kids. Just this thing last week killed me. I think he is over it. Me not so much.

I know I am practically married anyway. But I want the real thing. I know it will happen just when I have no clue

Dam has asked me what I want for my birthday today. Honestly I have no idea. I want our baby back is what I want but no one can give that to me. Unfortantly he has to work all day, and being off yesterday means he will probably have to work later then normal. So I get to spend my big 30 alone most of the day. As I have Tuesdays off of work. Fun Wow!

I know I should be happy to be healthy and turning another year older. I guess there really can be worst things that can happen to a person.

So goodbye 20's.. I hope my 30's are better to me..

Shelly