Wednesday, February 3, 2010

What if I would have done things differantly....

I sit here and think and What If's run through my head..

What if I did things differently when I was younger?

What Do I mean by that? I am not going to go into details in this particular post, but I was sexual abused from the time I was 6 to about 15 on and off. By an EX- Stepfather. Not too many people know that. This man was supposed to be my father figure growing up as my own dad left my mom and myself when I was 2. Yea he was not so much father figure then a nightmare. This the same man who got my Best friend at 15yrs old pregnant. Yeah, it was that bad. The only good thing that came from him is my younger brother.

I think sometimes that is why I am the way I am. Now I am not a bad person at all. If you ask anyone who knows me personally I am known as the nice quiet girl practically my whole life. and there is nothing wrong with that but the quiet part. I still am very shy, If I know you then I'm fine. But new crowds I clam up. I don't want to but I do. I can't stop it, I wonder sometimes if things did not happen in my past the way they did, would I be so timid around everything.

I want to be open, and say what I want and not worry what anyone thinks, But I can't. I constantly try to stay one step ahead, Am I sounding dumb? Is this person going to be mad at what I said? Did I say something wrong? Why are they looking at me like that?".. over and over the doubts. And to talk to a big crowd? Forget it.

It just seems maybe I have held back in my life because of fear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of never having a family of my own. Fear of everything.

To this day I cannot remember why I did not tell someone what was going on? Why did I never say anything until years later when I feared it may start again. Why? What did he say to me? What was I scared of, besides people looking at me like I did something wrong. When it came out that my 15 yr old best friend was pregnant, her parents pressed charges. She said it was consensual between them, so he got 4 months in prison. Now he was doing this to her, apparently she was willing, me not so much. and she was supposed to be my best friend. How could I trust anyone?

I wish I would have had the nerve to speak up at that time when he was in court. I'm sure my life would be different. I probably would have more confidence and be more assertive.

I wouldn't want all of my current life to change. I love my friends and family. I would have preferred to know I had cousins before I was 27 but hey better late then never I say. (that deserves its own post)

I love Damien more then he will ever know. You see I am the type of person who loves with their whole heart. I would do anything in the world to make the people I love happy.

Again I start to ramble and look at how long this got, I got a little more in detail then I meant to and I just told people I have never met a deep dark secret of mine, but for some reason all this stuff has been on my mind, and who better then people I have never met to pour my heart out to, Because really I have no one to tell this to, and if I just get it all out I can feel better.

What I want more then anything is to forget it ever happened. Forget I was so dumb for not saying anything and stopping it.

I am almost 30. It's time to move on. I am hoping my upcoming anniversary will finally bring me a proposal, and we can get that on the way and start making babies. Because I love kids and I am not going to make the same mistakes my mom did. I can not wait to be a mom. I know it's my time.

Thank you to whoever took the time to read the whole thing. Starting a blog was really one of the best things I have done. Pictures will be back tomorrow I swear.

Shelly <3


  1. For some things it is easier to talk it out with a stranger, there isn't history and point of view to could the issue so a stranger can just listen without judgement. I hope this helps you with beginning to move on, it will take time but writing about it will help. Jen.

  2. Shelly! Are you kidding?! LOOK HOW BRAVE YOU ARE! (((many hugs))) That took tremendous courage. May the Lord bless you and keep you and shine His face upon you. I am also hoping for that proposal.

    I know you will never "forget," but I do believe you can truly be healed.

    And the family thing? Well, I understand not being able to chat about things with family. I don't have the same problems you do, but I do understand that whole "blog to the world but don't talk to your family" thing LOL.