I sit here and think and What If's run through my head..
What if I did things differently when I was younger?
What Do I mean by that? I am not going to go into details in this particular post, but I was sexual abused from the time I was 6 to about 15 on and off. By an EX- Stepfather. Not too many people know that. This man was supposed to be my father figure growing up as my own dad left my mom and myself when I was 2. Yea he was not so much father figure then a nightmare. This the same man who got my Best friend at 15yrs old pregnant. Yeah, it was that bad. The only good thing that came from him is my younger brother.
I think sometimes that is why I am the way I am. Now I am not a bad person at all. If you ask anyone who knows me personally I am known as the nice quiet girl practically my whole life. and there is nothing wrong with that but the quiet part. I still am very shy, If I know you then I'm fine. But new crowds I clam up. I don't want to but I do. I can't stop it, I wonder sometimes if things did not happen in my past the way they did, would I be so timid around everything.
I want to be open, and say what I want and not worry what anyone thinks, But I can't. I constantly try to stay one step ahead, Am I sounding dumb? Is this person going to be mad at what I said? Did I say something wrong? Why are they looking at me like that?".. over and over the doubts. And to talk to a big crowd? Forget it.
It just seems maybe I have held back in my life because of fear. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of never having a family of my own. Fear of everything.
To this day I cannot remember why I did not tell someone what was going on? Why did I never say anything until years later when I feared it may start again. Why? What did he say to me? What was I scared of, besides people looking at me like I did something wrong. When it came out that my 15 yr old best friend was pregnant, her parents pressed charges. She said it was consensual between them, so he got 4 months in prison. Now he was doing this to her, apparently she was willing, me not so much. and she was supposed to be my best friend. How could I trust anyone?
I wish I would have had the nerve to speak up at that time when he was in court. I'm sure my life would be different. I probably would have more confidence and be more assertive.
I wouldn't want all of my current life to change. I love my friends and family. I would have preferred to know I had cousins before I was 27 but hey better late then never I say. (that deserves its own post)
I love Damien more then he will ever know. You see I am the type of person who loves with their whole heart. I would do anything in the world to make the people I love happy.
Again I start to ramble and look at how long this got, I got a little more in detail then I meant to and I just told people I have never met a deep dark secret of mine, but for some reason all this stuff has been on my mind, and who better then people I have never met to pour my heart out to, Because really I have no one to tell this to, and if I just get it all out I can feel better.
What I want more then anything is to forget it ever happened. Forget I was so dumb for not saying anything and stopping it.
I am almost 30. It's time to move on. I am hoping my upcoming anniversary will finally bring me a proposal, and we can get that on the way and start making babies. Because I love kids and I am not going to make the same mistakes my mom did. I can not wait to be a mom. I know it's my time.
Thank you to whoever took the time to read the whole thing. Starting a blog was really one of the best things I have done. Pictures will be back tomorrow I swear.